It’s my freshman year of high school, Valentine flower-gram-delivery day. Ya know, the day where awkward people come break into your class while everyone is silently reading, awkwardly delivering roses to everyone with little awkward notes attached to them. Ya know, the day you shrug off because it essentially has nothing to do with you. You don’t have a gram going to anyone nor would you be receiving any. No fault of anyone’s, just how it is. Except on this day, it’s different. This day, you have a gram heading to someone a couple of seats behind you. It’s going to reveal your “weird” feelings to some unsuspecting cute social-butterfly. You’ve never done this before. What you’re feeling is familiar, something you won’t actually be able to identify until 4-5 years later. You will learn to call this monster by its true name: anxiety. Your nose is buried in your book; you are concerned. Your eyes run over the text but you don’t read them. Your feet bouncing in attempt to channel your nervous energy. Anxiety. Anxiety. Anxiety. It taps its tune to your bouncing legs. Continue reading
“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. Yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don‘t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.” — David Foster Wallace
A quote I ran into once on Reddit. Didn’t put it in a safe place and couldn’t find it for the longest time. Got a sense of relief when I found it again. And now it’s here. Enjoy~
I try to rationalize my addictions. “It’s alright, nothing’s wrong. Maybe not ‘optimal’ by other people’s standards but I’m fine, I’m fine.” The only way I ever found out I was wrong was by testing it. I’ve been told time and time ago that I shouldn’t do this or shouldn’t do that but they were merely passing gestures floating through my consciousness like sand caught on a current of air. Maybe I was intrigued and even convinced for a moment or so but it was never really internalized, I didn’t believe it. At least, I didn’t believe it a point where I was willing to change my direction in life. Once I saw outside of the world I had created for myself, comfortable in this addiction or that, I realized that in order to break these addictions down I needed to do it and keep them down. It’s like living a healthier lifestyle: it’s not just reach this fitness goal and go back to whatever it was I was doing, it’s get healthier and stay that way by seemingly changing my ways forever. And that’s difficult.
I need to remind myself of plenty of things. Here are some things that I try to push through my awareness when I come close to relapsing on something: Continue reading
I originally posted this a couple or so months ago under a throwaway in Reddit’s offmychest subreddit in attempt to help along the healing process. I only received a couple of comments but one in particular started putting in motion the spawn of ideas that would eventually lead to this blog. Someone called it beautiful.
I don’t feel like I should try to validate this with a preface or background of any sort–having it as security–outlining how I don’t care whether you read it or not or “hey, please don’t judge due to [such and such] circumstances.” This is a place to just get things off your chest. All I request is a space for this all to exist instead of just in my head. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s very real but all the pieces aren’t laid out for others to see.
I fell in love with a girl. Our history prior to me falling from emotional security is extensive but on some level, what does it matter? I was pursuing her friend, I suppose. I tried not to see it that way but in all actuality, I felt something so I decided to see where it was going, in that off-handed “maybe I won’t get hurt this time”-way. Somehow I just ended up getting close with her best friend now my ex-girlfriend. Continue reading
Stephen Fry’s an English actor, screenwriter, author, playwright, journalist, poet, comedian, television presenter, film director and board member of Norwich City Football Club. He’s 55 years old, and I heard that he once talked about publishing a self-help book.
“[…] ‘How To Be Happy by Stephen Fry : Guaranteed success’. And people buy this huge book and it’s all blank pages, and the first page would just say – ‘ Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself – And you will be happy ‘. Use the rest of the book to write down your interesting thoughts and drawings, and that’s what the book would be, and it would be true.”
So the idea is that you thought you had something but it turns out you don’t and that evokes sadness. Or maybe it can be better described that you thought you might “get” something but it turns out you won’t actually “get” it. It’s a vague concept I know but it’s suppose to be. This type of situation happens a lot in life for people when…they get ahead of themselves. They don’t stay practically planted in the present and set themselves up so that they may not be able to just accept whatever becomes of the future (this is where sadness is evoked, they didn’t have the mindset to just let it roll off their backs). That sadness usually leads to a twist in perspective rather than allowing them to see that they still “have” something from the endeavor, it just didn’t turn out the way they had fantasized it should have.
So..you take this concept and you start coloring it in with the different shades of life, right? Continue reading