[PT] I don’t know what my brain is doing

I don’t know. It seems like to improve is to move forward and to not is to stand still. Yes, you can tell me about actions that would seemingly “set you back” or create “regression” of sorts but I see it differently. When you stand still, the person you are is not a finite, static point that is governed by a set of possibilities that only have two outcomes. You are spread out across a vast spectrum of possibilities. Within that one moment, you are capable of a lot of things that may or may not be dictated by forces such as values or rationale. I have yet, though, to determine if your spectrum shrinks or rather concentrates in different zones as you improve, so I can’t say you don’t really have that high of a possibility to do something that is “against” your improvement, as you improve. If, for whatever reason, your possibilities don’t change as you “improve”, then it means we’re always standing still. And that’s okay. Because isn’t the point to improve happiness? And it isn’t good for happiness to blame yourself for “not” improving. We, at that point, would just have to change our view on “improvement”. We should stop associating it with movement and start associating it with ourselves, more intimately at least. [ There’s a thought that goes here that escapes me ] Gotta stop thinking you did wrong along your path to get here, you just stood still. I have the notion to believe that the feeling of “regression” comes with the passing of time; it’s not you that goes back, it’s just that while you stand still time marches on.

We’re afraid to stop when we are working to some goal, I feel. At least, I feel like we can get scared like this a lot of time (so maybe not all of the time). It’s like we’re constantly throwing ourselves forward in time trying to reach our own enchantingly green light, grasp it finally. And if we stop, well, we’ll lose our chance forever. It’ll be gone, just like that. And that’s not okay. So as we continue to seek the answer, we do not falter in our pursuit. From an observer’s point of view, we are ruthless. Yet to us, we are merely struggling. We are constantly digging deeper in our external projection of ourselves for the solution, we are constantly destroying and recreating the world simultaneously as we move forward. Yet, inwardly we fumble. We fumble with insights, we are losing what we feel to be the key to our problems constantly. We seek that one moment of self-aggrandizing glory, our eureka moment. We await that moment where we finally beat this confusion, this frustration as we plunge our hands deeper and deeper into our own minds to find the answers. Our thoughts seem to always be out of reach but as some work relentlessly, others work patiently and calmly as they sift through to finally get that one thought that eludes us. To an observer, we are stupid and arrogant.

The lesson seems to stare us in the face, daily, as we go about our lives. Leave it. Let it go. Stop trying to change the world. Let the answer arrive naturally. As if it chose to surface while you were asleep to patiently await your waking conscious. Stop chasing. Need something to do? Yourself. That’s it. “What the hell does that mean?” Well that’s all apart of “yourself”, finding the meaning of it. Do not get it confused, this has nothing to do with anything else. This has everything to do with you and only you. Not your relation to the world– “but oh wait”, you say, “how do we know who we are unless we set ourselves juxtaposed to the rest of the world?” Good question.

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