There are three different ways to say this, from what I’ve written. Here they are.
1.) It is entirely plausible I was reared valuing self-image shaming.
2.) I can’t say it’s a direct result of being exposed to the values held by those respected individuals around me, I feel much more inclined to say that’s just how it translated. Growing up, people who are more fit/more muscular were assholes (and this was reinforced by my peers, etc.). Therefore, if I were to take a personal interest in building up my physique, I too would be shallow and asshole-esque. People who put a lot of thought into their wardrobe (even if it wasn’t out of impressing others but rather not attract unwanted attention) were shallow or cared too much about social standards.
I don’t want to be shallow. I don’t want to bend over backwards to follow social standards like mere cattle. I also feel like improving my wardrobe and getting more fit wouldn’t bring me happiness though a (may it be a shallow and “wrong”) part of me feels like it would help. I feel like I would physically and mentally feel better. Maybe not happy but better. I don’t know how to reconcile this confliction other than to just ignore it and try to learn from my experiences as I adventure into body image. At this point in my life, I feel like those ideals are more about self-image shaming and that isn’t cool. I can’t speak for the people whom I thought were dicks or just generally pompous and aloof but I can say this much: I’m gonna try my damnedest to do this right.
3.) Grew up believing I should feel ashamed of taking interest in self-image. This resulted in development issues of self-esteem. I still don’t know if what I was taught will work out for the better in the end (whether or not they were right); I kind of feel as though I should’ve let myself dance with the possibility of being shallow and a slave to social dogma growing up, at least if I “fell from grace” I could for myself learn and feel conviction behind the idea of not doing so.