On addiction.

I try to rationalize my addictions. “It’s alright, nothing’s wrong. Maybe not ‘optimal’ by other people’s standards but I’m fine, I’m fine.” The only way I ever found out I was wrong was by testing it. I’ve been told time and time ago that I shouldn’t do this or shouldn’t do that but they were merely passing gestures floating through my consciousness like sand caught on a current of air. Maybe I was intrigued and even convinced for a moment or so but it was never really internalized, I didn’t believe it. At least, I didn’t believe it a point where I was willing to change my direction in life. Once I saw outside of the world I had created for myself, comfortable in this addiction or that, I realized that in order to break these addictions down I needed to do it and keep them down. It’s like living a healthier lifestyle: it’s not just reach this fitness goal and go back to whatever it was I was doing, it’s get healthier and stay that way by seemingly changing my ways forever. And that’s difficult.

I need to remind myself of plenty of things. Here are some things that I try to push through my awareness when I come close to relapsing on something:

  • Your lifestyle and every aspect outside of it is dull when you indulge in your addiction. You also essentially close yourself off from the rest of life. Whatever void your addiction is trying to “fill” is probably, a good percentage of the time, better than the actual addiction itself. On the topic of dulling life,
  • You can gain confidence and self-esteem in beating an addiction, in overcoming something you once held as Warden. There’s also probably something to be said about increased energy and focus/clarity of mind. Time is also invaluable.
  • “Just this one time…” Have you ever thought about why it was so EASY just to do it one time? To get you sucked in, to control you, to keep you coming back? The efficiency of the whatever it is that is keeping you addicted is ridiculous, and its availability is probably even worse. One time is never one time: think about that. How many times have you said that? Where are you now? Was it HONESTLY just one time? …didn’t think so.
  • Write a list of things you could be doing with all that time you waste on your addiction. Read it over as many times as you need to, hold on to it if you so please to come back to it in the morning or at night or whenever you feel weak.
  • Have you heard of the phrase “what you think, you become” or to the same effect, “you are what you think”? It’s probably not enough for me to tell you that there’s some truth to it. If you’re science minded, you can search for research journals from psychology. If you want to “see it to believe it”, there’s plenty of thought exercises that you can try for a period of time to see for yourself, so long as you’re open to any conclusion. If anything, you should take the time to think about that. Obsessive thoughts come through and if you let them, they will become you (or rather, you it). Let them come and let them go, be the aftermath of your experiences, be wiser. You know well enough now, you’ve experienced it. This is no way to live your life. Think that. Think positive and you will be (if not now, then in time as you revamp your self-talk and subconscious). You’ll be that much closer to being free.
  • On the topic of dulling life, indulging in these addictions in question seem to delude your mind. It rewires your reward circuits. Don’t find a ways around it, you’re messing up your congruency. Example, don’t say “it’s easy to get up in the morning to start your day. Feeling tired? Just get up and do something, give it a few, you’ll see” then turn around and “think” about that still lying in bed for a couple of minutes, blinking in and out of consciousness. You’re sending conflicting signals. “It’s fuckin’ with yer brain, maaaaaan!” Fact. It’s also probably skewing some perspective you have in life, meditate on that.
  • Stop. Complaining. You see it all the time. People complain about everything, going up one side and down another on everything under the sun. Excuses. Complaining about failure? It’s not failure unless you’ve quit; are you going to use temporary defeat as a stepping stone or an alibi for not producing results?
  • You don’t have to find the silver lining per say, but you sure as hell can learn to accept it. This is life now. Be happy and proud (but not too proud that you’re holding on to it).
  • Get active.
  • There’s some truth in “faking it ‘till ya make it”. SOME.
  • You are not doing this for anyone else. You are doing this for yourself. (not always applicable but when it is, can be as equally powerful as its inverse)

One response to “On addiction.

  1. Very relate-able (I’m not even sure this is a word, spell check seems to hate it no matter how it’s typed out). That last bit is especially true.

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