Read it out loud, screaming. Let yourself become uncomfortable.

I don’t know why people find life so difficult sometimes. As if it was actually so hard it’d be difficult to get out of bed. Life can be easy peasy, folks.

Thoughts like “I’m confused” turn to “confusion is useless” which always and inevitably turns into “I’m useless.” It’s too easy for me to do this.

IT’S EASIER FOR THAT TO RUN THROUGH MY HEAD AT NIGHT THEN DREAMS OF TOMORROW.

IT’S EASIER FOR ME TO OFFER SELF-DEPRECATING HUMOR THAN AN ACTUAL RESPONSE TO A COMPLIMENT.

IT’S EASIER FOR ME TO PUSH PEOPLE AWAY.

IT’S EASIER FOR ME TO DOUBT MYSELF.

IT’S EASIER TO BELIEVE MY SUFFERING IS MY OWN ALONE BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE DON’T HAVE TO SUFFER ME, WHAT I AM/WHAT I HAVE.

IT’S EASIER TO BELIEVE I’M ALONE AND SHOULD BE ALONE BECAUSE IT MAKES LIFE MAKE A LITTLE MORE SENSE.

IT’S EASIER NOT TO DO ANYTHING BECAUSE THEN I WON’T MAKE A MISTAKE AND BECOME AN OBJECT OF RIDICULE.

IT’S EASIER FOR ME TO DRESS FEAR UP AS IF I WASN’T FEAR BUT I ACTUALLY HAD A “REAL” REASON.

IT’S EASIER FOR ME TO BE JADED BECAUSE BEING VULNERABLE HURTS.

IT’S EASIER FOR ME TO FEEL LIKE I’M NOT NEEDED.

IT’S EASIER FOR ME TO NOT FEEL COMPASSION TOWARDS MYSELF.

IT’S EASIER TO BLAME MYSELF.

IT’S EASIER NOT TO SAY HOW I REALLY FEEL.

IT’S EASIER FOR ME NOT TO GET CLOSE TO PEOPLE.

IT’S EASIER TO BELIEVE NO ONE CARES BECAUSE I FEEL SAFER.

IT’S EASIER TO FEEL THIS WAY BECAUSE IT’S HARDER TO FEEL HAPPIER.

IT’S EASIER TO BE CREATIVE BECAUSE THEN PEOPLE MAY TAKE INTEREST IN ME.

IT’S EASIER BECAUSE IT’S HOW I RECONCILED THE CRUELTY.

IT’S EASIER TO PRETEND LIKE THIS ISN’T REAL, THAT WHAT THEY SAY IS RIGHT, I’M JUST BEING “EMO”. I’LL GROW OUT OF IT. IT’S JUST “ANGST”. I SHOULD JUST GET OVER IT. I’M JUST BEING “FAUX-MYSTERIOUS.” I’M “OUT OF CONTROL.” FEIGNING DEPTH, FEIGNING.

MAYBE THEY KNOW SOMETHING I DON’T.

MAYBE IF I ACCEPT THAT, I CAN CHANGE IT.

AND THEY’LL LIKE ME.

THEY’LL ACCEPT ME.

THEY’LL LEAVE ME ALONE.

WANT ME.

IT’S EASIER TO LIE TO MYSELF.

IT’S EASIER TO LIE.

Life is easy. Shhhh.

This originally started out as a “script”. I was going to make a video full of jumpcuts of me screaming these things in different places at different points during the day because that’s how I wanted to express it. I wanted to scream. I then decided I should just keep this as a writing piece and not embark on that adventure. Knowing there is a certain stigma towards…having problems and well, mental health, I didn’t want to post this. Then I got mad at the stigma. So I decided to post this. yup. Might just start updating everyday, at least for awhile, so I no longer question what to publish and what not to publish and if I ever get the feeling I don’t want to write, I’ll be able to get outside my comfort zone. If anything, I can reflect on daily publishing to see if it’s something I want to keep doing later down the line.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: