Oh, and smile. Don’t forget to smile.

I can’t tell what it is I’m serious about. My life, every opportune-rich second of it, is ticking away relentlessly as I key away this bit, at 0415. A lot of time is spent…doing leisure things and sleeping. A lot of my time is spent planning but no action. I feel like I could go more in-depth, paint a vivid picture for you all but I think the time has passed. I understand this plateau so intimately that intuition is leading me to believe that any more time spent pontificating (yes, I used the word) the expanse of my life any more would be a criminal and colossal waste of time and effort. Time, that scare resource…

I want to shake myself; I want to scream at myself. “What the fuck! Get serious! About something! Anything! Face rejection and face temporary defeat but surpass the possibility of permanent failure. Come out ahead of your accomplishments and ride life to perfect laughter! You spend so much time dreaming of a fulfilled life, leaving each moment to the best of your ability. Progress tastefully riddled with leisure and shaded in peace, that is what you lose yourself to when you check out. Those around you ask you if you’re alright, during those precise moments when you’re lost, out in the sea of your imagination…and I believe that you are. I believe that you are alright. I believe that you’ll be more than alright; you’ll be more than alright but thriving if you just pull it together, commit and make THAT your life, building from the bottom up. Radical change or gradual, change is all that lies in store. Whether you’re driving your life at this point, whether your back is bent moving into the future, is all up to you. Get serious. Start from the bottom up. You don’t have to get complicated. Start small, master that. Build good, simple habits, not all at once but make a better foundation for your life. Because this can’t go on, something’s gotta give…”

0422. Wake up at 0800. Gonna be tired? Plug in naps as you go, so long as you stay disciplined about it. I get it, you’re a night owl. Nap here and there until 2300, clean up ops and read or meditate until 0000 and then bed. Wake up at 0800. Shave every day, acquire post-shave moisturizer and start using it (making sure to give your skin breaks here and there). Brush and floss your teeth every day. Mouthwash and lotion. Deodorant. Cook breakfast every day, stop eating-out so damn much or skipping meals. You’ll learn to cook eventually, even if at first all you’re eating are pitiful dishes that may seem worse than what you’re currently poisoning your body with (but they’re not worse because good lord fast food be thine name, spawn of Abaddon). Exercise every day, no matter what. Even if you are tired, realize those are the days you need to push, those are the days you prove to yourself you are better than the people you’ve been, if not for their sake but your own. Budget to start making it a tradition to go to Savers or thrift some “adult” clothes. If you want to move out, you’re going to need to increase your monthly gross income: you’re getting a job and you’re going to make it work with school. How? Don’t worry about that. Do this first: get a job and enroll. Don’t forget to start building up your savings (3 months worth of living expenses, 25-35% of gross monthly income). Be smart with your money and continue to learn new shit.

Oh, and do your taxes and organize your room–start with installing that clothes bar to start hanging your clothes. Also, sell that car, buy another and get licensed.

Fuck. Everything else? All that shit you use to do before that ISN’T the above? That comes after, when all of that is secure. You have to be willing…to let go of the past if you wish to live in the present, if you wish to live as the person you wish to be, Narrator. So listen to me: it’s okay. It’ll be okay. Trust. From the ground up, right? A strong foundation, right? Together and even if you have to do it alone, right? You got this. Some long time from now, you’ll be glad you did this, so glad. You’ll learn to love yourself, just you wait.

Oh, and smile.

0441.

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