[PT] I don’t know what my brain is doing

I don’t know. It seems like to improve is to move forward and to not is to stand still. Yes, you can tell me about actions that would seemingly “set you back” or create “regression” of sorts but I see it differently. When you stand still, the person you are is not a finite, static point that is governed by a set of possibilities that only have two outcomes. You are spread out across a vast spectrum of possibilities. Within that one moment, you are capable of a lot of things that may or may not be dictated by forces such as values or rationale. I have yet, though, to determine if your spectrum shrinks or rather concentrates in different zones as you improve, so I can’t say you don’t really have that high of a possibility to do something that is “against” your improvement, as you improve. If, for whatever reason, your possibilities don’t change as you “improve”, then it means we’re always standing still. And that’s okay. Because Continue reading

[PT] Shame and self-image

There are three different ways to say this, from what I’ve written. Here they are.

1.) It is entirely plausible I was reared valuing self-image shaming.
Continue reading

[PT] If I told you I wanted to be a river, would you stop talking to me?

Time ticks away silently; good thing it’s neutral. I’d hate me if I was Time. To be defied so pathetically and on a consistent basis, too. “The kid knows enough. He doesn’t know a lot but it’s a good start. So is there any excuse for his defiance, his squandering of my gifts? Of course not.” Time is neutral though and doesn’t see why it would be but hey. It is what it is. I can’t help but reflect, I am what I am.

Is this the part where I take a closer look at myself and realize that I can do more? That life can be more? If only I did something, right? It’s like I can see the thematic progression of events from a dissociative stance and skip to the end. That’s the weird part. If I can pretty much write out the story up until the end, why stop at the end? Continue reading

[PT] I talk a lot in my head

And sometimes, those conversations that just come and go are notable.

“So…how do you deal with all the assholes? I mean, they’re human beings but…”

Wait, what? “Assholes”? Haha

“No no…I mean, for those that just get under your skin…like they’re trying to fuck with you and bring you down. Or just being mean to ya, ya know? Those that can get you down.”

Well, whenever it comes to being slighted…I’m starting to learn, in the face of all those that fuck me up and swing me all out of whack and what not, I just “stop being sad and be awesome instead.” I know that sounds weird and probably inane but hear me out, okay? Continue reading

[PT] Physically signs and symptoms of unadultered fear manifest when I think about Their eyes

If someone sat down with me one day and said, “hey, yo, what’s your passion” I’d probably numb out and bullshit. Lie would follow lie, and I’d hide behind a deftly but hastily crafted exposition of a life I’ve never lived. I have no answer now. It’s funny enough because I can be so placated by my life in a way that starts to breed self-discouragement on a level I’m not even aware of. It’s like it’s breaking my spirit in the most dastardly underhanded way. It’s like I support it. I can sit here for ridiculous amounts of time, and if I track what it is that I’m doing and what it is that I’ve done, I’d be sick to my stomach. Yes, I’d get physically sick. What breaks me out of these trances, however, are just things I come across while browsing…we gets me all excited yet washed in uncertainty, dissatisfaction, and anxiety is people’s sense of purpose. Like, they trudge through so much shit and learn so much about life because they know what they want and they’re working to get it.

I think somewhere in my mind I have an inkling of what it is that I truly want. If I were to die right now and in the moments of my death I had to explain my life and my actions to a shocked and increasingly hysterical yet lightly depressed version of me, Continue reading

A project to get the river flowing

Broken record: For the longest time I’ve been conflicted with writing/publishing with abandon. While I feel like I would REALLY benefit from this and overall it would be a good experience, I have been concerned with quality. I am consumed by many ghosts, many reoccurring thoughts. When I try to come back to the things I’ve wrote about them, it is common for me to be embarrassed by what took place. I find that okay yet I know it isn’t. I feel as though to react that way is to be too harsh on myself, too unforgiving as I deny a part of me. I am ashamed of that part but it is very real and very okay. I guess..

So to help break this stigma, I will come out to my audience and say anything with the title beginning with “[PT]” will be apart of the passing thoughts project, where I just publish those pieces of emotional/mental overflow that may not present in a refined state. It is essentially my way of calming my nerves because I’ll convince myself that, “hey, they now these are just fleeting thoughts…life’s complicated.” And I will be okay with this. Maybe not at first but with time.

Plus, Future Me, if you want to be all serious and stuff, you can start a new blog. If you can’t be honest here, where can you?

When it comes to me submitting things to this blog…

…I’ve lost a certain drive to write. I blame myself wholly, but allow me to explain. Starting the blog, I told myself that I was just gonna submit stuff I write and maybe, once I know what’s going on with this crazy experience, I’ll actually start writing specifically for my blog. Pre-blog, I would start a new document whenever a thought manifested itself and my body deemed it necessary to write. And so I did thus came a flood of countless documents, all varying in length, topic, tone. Blogging was my happy medium between physical journaling and collecting a shit-ton of random documents. Or so I thought. Continue reading